How about:
Non-smoking car
When applied to driver, excludes non-tobacco products.
When applied to car, this means "Does not smoke when fully warmed up on a cool day when driving at a fixed 35 mph in 2nd gear."
Classic
Translation: Old. Actually, anything more than 5 years old. Includes such "classics" as the hard-to-find '84 Mustang and the incomparable '82 Cadillac Cimarron.
Mint condition
Translation: This car is in the same condition as the lost Tic Tac you are likely to find under the seat.
Full restoration
Translation: "I replaced everything I could source from Pep Boys and remove with a Swiss army knife."
Completely Original
Except for the replacement wheels, seats, steering wheel, engine block, instruments, and 3 coats of paint.
Survivor
Translation: Not worthy of restoration.
Rust Free
No rust is actually protruding through the paint, at least on the top side of the car. I would have looked underneath but it is kind of icky down there.