What if Otis Wrote for Roundel?

[Otis]

If you're like me, when Mr. Postman delivers your Roundel, you head right to the Throne and open the mag directly to Mike Self's column. That's exactly what I did today, when the most-recent issue landed on my doorstep. A very touching article, Mike -- 45 years of being a car guy. Indeed --

Great article? Check. Well written column? Check. Handsome, smiley-faced picture? Check. Interesting topic? Check. Perfect grammar? Check. Politically correct prose? Double check.

But . . .

What if -- just, what if -- Otis wrote for Rounel? Mike, everybody loves you. No question, you are a true credit to the 02 Community. But, isn't there room for both of us? I wouldn't tread in your space -- no doubt, were Otis to pen for Roundel, we'd see a few more topics that you would not (and for obvious reasons, would not be expected to) touch. Of course, I have noted that the articles in Roundel tend to be -- what's the right word here -- a tad bit, conservative. Thus, to be honest, I do have some concern that, if given unlimited creative license, my career at Roundel might last for exactly enough time to be handed the pink slip and be escorted to the front door by the uniformed rent-a-cop. But, suppose - just suppose -- that Roundel were to sign Otis to a one-article contract, on a trial basis, just to get the ball rolling?

Of course, I'd need guidance concerning appropriate copy. Offhand, and subject to your comments (of course), here are some titles that, for whatever reason, just popped into my head:

Stripper Poles -- Trunk Installation Simplified

10 Easy Steps for Controlling Your Megasquirt

Jesse Jane vs. Biscuit3 -- Which Pic is Best for Auto-Waxing Your Steelie?

It's All About the Trophies: How I Learned to Love the Q-Tip

Biff Bimmerhead is a Soup Nazi -- Or, $$$tuck at Octoberfest with NoWhere to Go and Nothing to Do

Pennsylvania Wine -- It's Not Just for Wegweiser Anymore

The Ultimate Road Trip: Through the Fertile Crescent and Beyond

Outback with Blunt and Jonny -- Nekked Roller Skating (or, How I Spent My Summer Vacation in God's Country)

Zymol -- It's Not Just for Breakfast Anymore

Photo Essay: Fishing for Muskie Women with the 2002 Women in Waders

Zoot-Suitin' -- How to Style and Profile At Your Next Q-Tip Event

There Are No Stupid Questions -- Well, To Be Honest, Yes There Are

Mons Venus: How I Blew my S14 Conversion Fund in One Fateful Tampa Trip

Lipstick for the Dipstick: The Real Reason to Delete the Back Seat

Cats, Fruitcake, Kung-fu Porn, and 02s -- Reflections on the Simple Pleasures of a Car Guy

Who's Your Daddy: 10 Kama Sutra Positions for the 02 Passenger Seat

Dragging Your Truck Nutz: Solve Your 02 Ground-Clearance Problem with This Simple Graph and Our Easy-Weekend DIY Nutz Bracket

Well, what do you think? I'm sure I could bang these articles out in no-time flat. Now Mike, if you could just suggest, to whom I should submit my resume and a writing sample . . . I look forward to being part of the team!

[BLUNT]

i honestly think you have some talent. but then again im aligned with jonny so what does that tell you? all i can say is id be a regular reader if it ever came to be otis

[jgerock]

Interesting topics for sure. Not so sure about anything to do with "truck nutz". Do you work near asbestos? Just how many hours did it take to craft your stripper pole setup (let alone the trunk speaker system)?

Do you crave orange juice at odd hours of the night (or maybe Tang)?

How many Q-tips does your cat eat on a daily basis?

[Guest Anonymous]

How about something like:

How many shades of pink does the 02 come in.

How to fabricate a "BreastRest" for your 02.

How to turn Roundels into Happy faces in three easy steps.

Kiss, Kiss, from your secret admirerer,

Angie

[TobyB]

Ok, no quarrel there, but after reading Mike, I read Tech Talk,

cut out any particularly pretty pictures, and recycle the thing.

So who's going to take on Tech Talk?

How to Unclog your Lines

Alternate tools to achieve Proper Operation

How to Pull your Hub

The Right Way to insert a Stub Shaft

Seafoam- is it really just for dessert?

Ok, now who'll step up as photo editor?

t

[Otis]

You see, Mike? As you well know, developing a core readership base is the key to successful journalism. And by my count, I have at least four, count 'em four, potentially loyal readers. And as you can see, not a single suggestion that would tread on your substantive expertise or general areas of interest. It would seem that we could co-exist, after all. Even my tech articles would have a different spin; for example, I don't think you've ever covered "Effective Tattoo Removal for the Carpeteer." I'm ready when Roundel is -- so, when do I start?

Aside from the topics noted, I could always cover the human-interest aspects of the 02-SIG crowd. The possibilities are endless. Here are just a few.

Men in Shorts -- What Makes an Otherwise Normal North Carolina Boy Wear Leiderhosen?

Stalking Angelyne -- Why Inka Craves The Pink

On Being BLUNT -- We Just Stopped In, to See What Condition His Condition Was In

Squarepusher Update: Still Searching for Answers (and For That Matter, Relevant Questions)

The Zymolian Dilemma: Confessions of a Concours Addict

Jonathan Maxson: Man, Myth, Legend -- and Smelly Trunk

Dove Removal and Burning Rubber: What Really Makes Weetabix Tick?

And finally, en masse:

The 02 Group -- Threat or Menace?

[H_Krix]

Who's Your Daddy: 10 Kama Sutra Positions for the 02 Passenger Seat

I know I'm not the only one who looked at the B-pillar o-shit handles and thought "...stirrups...?"

[Otis]

Thanks for the many responses (well, not so many -- albeit quality over quantity). Including the celebrity response from Angie (yet Angelye, I do not dance with another man's date -- you belong to InkaSteve. And no matter how many shades of pink for an 02, one must always remember - it's always pink on the inside.)

As we fade to page two -- where experience shows, thread traffic decreases dramatically -- so, too, do my hopes fade for gaining the courtesy of a response from the esteemed Mr. Self. I know he reads these threads, so the only reasonable interpretation would equate the defeaning silence to the cyberspace equivalent of dumping my suggestion/application into Circular File 13. Alas, one can only conclude that these -- my first efforts to gain international acclaim as a penmaster for Roundel -- have fallen upon deafened ears.

What does that mean for you, the BMWCCA readership public? For now, you must remain content with the current cadre of columns and content. Perhaps one day -- maybe even with the next issue -- the vox populi will cry out for change -- for something truly different -- and a ground swell of support will arise for signing Otis to the Roundel roster. A quick perusal of the bolded topics above, yields at least 18 months worth of solid content for an Otis column. As Maximus said to Proximo, "I will give the people something that they have never seen before." That is the Otisarian pledge -- I leave to others whether to call upon our friend Mike to advance Otis' cause in these respects.

(PS -- to respond to the offline inquiries, yes indeed, I have figured out how to hang Truck Nutz from Otis' bumper hitch, without dragging the Nutz on the ground. (BLUNT, what, you think I'm kidding?) But, will I reveal the answer? Only in a Roundel column. So, let the ground swell begin.)

[robspeed]

Thanks for the many responses (well, not so many -- albeit quality over quantity). Including the celebrity response from Angie (yet Angelye, I do not dance with another man's date -- you belong to InkaSteve. And no matter how many shades of pink for an 02, one must always remember - it's always pink on the inside.)

As we fade to page two -- where experience shows, thread traffic decreases dramatically -- so, too, do my hopes fade for gaining the courtesy of a response from the esteemed Mr. Self. I know he reads these threads, so the only reasonable interpretation would equate the defeaning silence to the cyberspace equivalent of dumping my suggestion/application into Circular File 13. Alas, one can only conclude that these -- my first efforts to gain international acclaim as a penmaster for Roundel -- have fallen upon deafened ears.

What does that mean for you, the BMWCCA readership public? For now, you must remain content with the current cadre of columns and content. Perhaps one day -- maybe even with the next issue -- the vox populi will cry out for change -- for something truly different -- and a ground swell of support will arise for signing Otis to the Roundel roster. A quick perusal of the bolded topics above, yields at least 18 months worth of solid content for an Otis column. As Maximus said to Proximo, "I will give the people something that they have never seen before." That is the Otisarian pledge -- I leave to others whether to call upon our friend Mike to advance Otis' cause in these respects.

(PS -- to respond to the offline inquiries, yes indeed, I have figured out how to hang Truck Nutz from Otis' bumper hitch, without dragging the Nutz on the ground. (BLUNT, what, you think I'm kidding?) But, will I reveal the answer? Only in a Roundel column. So, let the ground swell begin.)

Otis there is always Penthouse Car Forum... ;-p

[Otis]

Otis there is always Penthouse Car Forum... ;-p

In that light, undoubtedly LFP would be my literary venue of choice (Penthouse is a mere shadow of its former cutting-edge self). However, I was hoping to suggest that someone -- if not me, someone, anyone -- bring something different to the table of a magazine that -- with due respect to the valuable contributing authors -- tends IMHO to be a more than a tad on the conservative and repetitive side ("Wow, look, another tech article on the proper valve clearances for an M3!").

I also recognize the off-taken position that critiquing Roundel is the car-religious equivalent to blaspheming the Bimmercar dieties. But why? The bottom line, it's a consumer product -- basically, a dues-paid magazine subscription. And I would think that most suppliers of consumer goods would appreciate some honest feedback. In that regard, I think I'm entitled to my opinion, and as one can tell from the underlying drift of my thread, my honest feedback is - frankly, the magazine could use some spice, because it tends quite often to be repetitive and boring. Don't believe me? How many of you save and cherish all of your back copies of Roundel - venturing off to your private libraries to revisit and enjoy old content with a hot toddy by the fire? Versus, how many of you pitch the mag each month, right after you leaf through it? Be honest. (And to think, one topless picture of Biscuit3 could change all that ... have you ever read "American Iron"?). Sorry to blaspheme, but that's simply my impression and opinion (and I'm just kidding about the topless picture ... well, maybe not).

Again, I say this with due respect to the contributing authors. And I'm sure I'll get at least one response that defends Roundel and tells me that if I don't like it, I don't have to read it. But that misses the point - I'm trying to like it, and I'd like to read it, but it's boring! So, rather than tell me simply to not read the magazine, Comon' Roundel folks, can you spice it up a bit? You don't have to go as far as my extreme brand of twisted r-rated sarcasm (which granted, is an acquired taste that seldom is acquired by many). But if you tied down the average Roundel reader and forced him or her - via waterboarding or similar torture - to state his or her opinion about Roundel, I venture to suggest that at least more than one coerced answer would be, "Okay, alright already, it's friggin' boring!" As for my own self (pun definately intended), if I see one more picture of some weekend warrior with a modified M-car with vendor stickers racing around some track somewhere, I'm going to find a different use for the pages while on the Throne (can you say, "Hey ma, no need to replace the Charmin this month"?).

Of course, I don't mean to stir up any shit with this thread. Then again - of course I do. If truth were told, I'm sure you'd hear more than just one "Amen, Otis" to the opinions stated herein. It's just, no one wants to do it, because we generally treat the BimmerGods with the same reverence ordinarily reserved for the Pope. And, I could do the normal letter to the editor thing, but what fun would that be (I doubt many, if any, of the gen public would get my cat-or-Biscuit3 references -- whereas here, I can mercilously torture all you FAQers with the same). Bottom line, I vent here, and state that IMHO, it's generally a boring magazine (even the ads are the same, month after month after month after month). Not you, of course, Mike - my opinions don't relate to you. But I'm just trying to be honest. For my $40 mag subscription, I'd at least expect a funny car-toon or two. Just my $40 worth. (What, you folks expected me to say "$0.02 worth?" How gauche.)

Now, for my next tome ... Der Bayerishe, you're next ...