Otis

Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!!! Touring rides in Herndon!! Just like the Isetta rides at V@V! But this time, Brad's driving!!! It's Dukes of Hazard time, Touring style!!! Yippee -- Thanks, Bill!!! Also, as I just posted in the other thread, turns out I'm wrong -- I've since discovered that there is indeed, a plethora of guidance on how to clean properly, for that Concours-winning, white-glove look and ever-lasting shine. And moreover, on how to throw things out, once you're finished cleaning. Turns out, all I needed to do was to Google "The Anal Retentive Chef." Voila -- Here's what the Chef would advise (taking the liberty of substituting "mats" for "food" from the original SNL transcript): "So, how do we clean? We take our bucket ... but, we don't want to get any caustic substances on the mats, of course. [places mats behind him] Place these neatly in the background - this floor will be cleaned later. Okay, so we're ready to clean. [pulls up mop bucket] We've got our glove, to protect us - we don't want to ruin our manicure. And we've got a clean white cloth, and abrasive cleanser - none of that non-abrasive cleanser for us, it's good old-fashioned cleanser. That'll get us started, I think I'll clean these cabinets while I'm at it. And, oh! Look at this. Aluminum foil is filthy! I'm going to have to replace that. So, we might as well pull that up right now. I don't when I cleaned that up last, I'd hate to think. And, God knows what those mopboards look like. But! We start at the top, and clean down, so as not to drip ... And how do we throw things out? Okay. We take our paper towel, two pieces, unbroken, lay it out neatly, dump the refuse inside, arranged neatly ... [assembles the garbage] ... let's take these little nasties we separated earlier, put that back ... fold over carefully, making sure the corners are square ... and ... we take a piece of aluminum foil, and we place our refuse onto the foil, and fold over very carefully - this way, it won't leak onto the other garbage. Aluminum foil is such a miracle product! It's really an extraordinary product. Alright, and then we take a brown, paper sandwich bag ... [opens bag] ...place the refuse inside ... [drops it in] ...and ... oh no, this bag is torn.. [looks around] Well ... no, that's alright. We'll just fold over, and no one will see. We'll fold it over twice to be careful ... then we get our tape. [grabs tape, which is naturally covered in a cozy] And, we tape it shut - be very careful to center the tape on the bag. I like to keep my tape dispenser right here on the counter. There we go! [holds up bag] All ready for the trash. Now that's some garbage you can live with! [laughs]."

You know, if you duct-taped a Q-Tip to the end of an auto antenna, then . . . Oh, never mind. I've beaten the dead horse enough.

As much as I have littered this thread with excessive sarcasm (including some toilet humor), I do agree entirely with John here -- going over Klaus (and Otis) bumper to bumper allowed me to discover several problems, one of which would have stranded me on the road had I not tripped over it, while trying to clean the "parts that you don't see." And John, your car is beautiful. You deserve to win. I mean that. One of my points, sarcasm aside, is that it might be useful if the club would offer some seminar on detailing -- something to teach those who want to learn. The Concours event is just that -- an event. When I tried to find out where I went wrong, and how I could improve, I found no answers -- instead, people were so competitive that they did not want to reveal anything, like Zymol was some great state secret. Then again, maybe I missed some seminar, somewhere -- if so, I'll stand corrected. But what would be wrong with having a seminar, about a month in advance of the Big Marque, to tell people how to do it the right way? Bet the Zymol guy would jump at that -- he could sell more $200+ wax kits that way. And it sure beats Hooters car washes and 100 mph mushroom trips, which the NCC seems to favor. Anyway, one thing I'll venture to guess here -- for those of you who have come this far in the thread, I bet you'll never look at a Q-tip the same way, ever again. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some lint in my belly button that needs cleaning . . . .

Todd, I think that if you win, you deserve Best of Marque (also known as a "BM"). But if you win again, you get the Best of Marky Mark, www.markrobertwahlberg.com/markymarkandthefunkybunch.htm Which indicates that you're "packing something truly wonderful," meaning that you transform from Marky Mark to Dirk Diggler. And thereby, you're awarded this special shirt, which you may wear at the next event to identify yourself as a past winner (see Rule No. 1). Or something like that -- remember, I'm still trying to figure out all the rules.

FAQed by proclamation!!! I am humbled and honored. In a way, this is better than an acrylic plaque. Of course, I like point number 9 above as an addendum. But somehow, I'm going to have to edit it, to weave in the stories that I heard about folks cleaning parts in their hotel bathtubs. Which somehow, could tie into the golden plunger (excuse me, Le Marque Ploingue), since that belongs in the bathroom, also. The possibilities are endless; let me give it some thought.

Congratulations, Mike. But IMHO, it should at least have been a golden plunger, having been awarded in connection a Concours event -- and it should have been named Le Marque Ploingue, in keeping with the general spelling of the elite marque events. Of course, it would be proper to use Le Marque Ploingue in the world's finest bathroom, where as we all know, the s__t doesn't stink, but instead, smells more like pure Carnuba. www.thebathroomdiaries.com/GoldenPlungers.html

and he did again at the Classics on the James show on Sunday. He told me that he and a bunch of coupes are coming in for the Herndon show too! Doug and his brother are truly great guys -- people like that make it fun and worthwhile to belong to a car club. Glad he won -- I love the Green Frankenstein Coupe (particularly now that it has "tunes").

Todd always yells at me to post pictures. I'm at the wrong computer for close-ups, but here's a picture that I have (albeit distance) from the ill-fated 2005 Concours. That's Klaus in the foreground, with his stylin' wheels. 87 points, indeed! As Mel Brooks would say (name that movie), that merits a "Harrrumph!!!"

Just to clarify, Doug (Z8 and Coupe) and John (awesome tii) enter and win, regularly, and deserve to win, because their cars are awesome. Some of the other decisions are a bit of a head-scratcher, but then again, the judging is subjective. Sort of like figure skating in front of the French judge. In any event, hopefully with the first comment, I am off Doug's and John's "S__t List." PS - Bill and Brad, I think you accurately and succinctly identified the four categories of 02-dom. But technically, aren't these really subcategories? Because as we have been told, and are reminded periodically, aren't we all just Douchebags? (Sorry, couldn't resist -- probably should have, but couldn't; I speak only about myself, of course.)

Great cars. They get no respect. But they were/are great little cars.

Thanks, folks, for reading through my tome. I've been told by at least one casual observer (by the way, someone who draws a significant portion of his business from doing Concours restorations), that I was a bit too hard on the Concours judges. Further, I'm sure that there are a few folks (including perhaps some competitors) who are truly steamed (okay, pissed off) at me right now. Yet I was just funnin'; and I really wasn't trying to take a swipe at anyone -- well, okay, maybe just a few people. Like my brother and his "Porsche in a Bubble" -- yes, he keeps the car in a bubble, and parks it on little mahogony slabs, to avoid "unncecessary grass contact" -- arrgghhh!!! Or the guy with the Q-Tip (I could swear that was ear wax, but I didn't want to look that closely). And the other guy who explained his "three wax" approach -- come on, fellow, your car is a 2003 3-series that you never drive (except to the mushroom fields). How hard is it to keep that car clean? Geez, your clear coat hasn't even dried yet. Indeed, everything above is true, based on my personal experiences in my short-lived (and ill-fated) Concours career. It simply seemed to this casual observer, that the event could have benefited from something -- like a keg or two of beer, for example. I will say this -- to their credit, the Concours events gave me the requisite motivation to replace my nasty old bottlecaps on the E-30, with a better-looking set of wheels and tires. Now, we truly be rollin' -- stylin' and profilin', word to yo' mutha! But alas, I suppose the local NCC competition is not really for me. Methinks too many politics, but perhaps that's just me. Besides, I've caught the street-rod bug again (the NSRA shows will do that to you). So what little spare time I have, will not be devoted to Zymoling the cars, but instead, to building something that rattles the dishes off the cupboards, sends the neighbors scurrying for the hills, and irresponsibly consumes far too many gallons of precious (but overpriced) fossil fuels. But that's just me - and that's another story for another post.

Or some wheelie bars. I belive they call that, the Electric Wheelie.

All of these pretty pictures of Concours events. And folks dressed up in ties. Wow!! Makes me think back to my lone venture in the Land De La Concours, BMWCCA-style (NCC). To the days of spending lots of money on Zymol, and spending the entire weekend cleaning up my E-30, and then entering my beloved "Klaus" in the Deutche Marque (or however you spell that) "clean car" event. Only to be trounced like a Redskin quarterback on a Sunday night in Dallas. What did I learn from that event? I remember driving home, steering wheel still slick from way too much Armour All, thinking to myself, where did Klaus go so terribly wrong? He was lookin' lovely as he was ever gonna get -- but his point total was a paltry 87! He only beat his born-on year by 3 measly points! And most of that was from the mileage bonus. Undaunted, a man on a mission, I set about to find out what went wrong. More imporantly, if Klaus got slaughtered, how would Otis, my beloved 02, ever stand a chance? Step one, I emailed the Concours Chair -- Sayeth I, "Would you be so kind, Sir, and would you have the time, to discuss how I could better my performance, so that I too may win one of those neato acrylic plaques?" Alas, days, weeks, months went by -- no email, no return phone call, no post cards, zero, zip, nada. Left to my own devices, I sought out past Concours judges, and fellow contestants, each time asking -- how exactly does one win a BMWCCA clean-car event? Here for you, my friends, I share the collective wisdom. "How to Win a BMWCCA Concours Event -- Eight Easy Steps for the Sure-Fire Winning Combination" Rule No. 1: Silly wabbit, you can't win a BMWCCA Concours Event. Not unless you have won before. If you have won before, then you may win again. But if you have not won, you may not win. Sorry, it's in the rules. The lone exception? If you have never won before, and this is your first event, then you may place third. But no higher. You see, this way, you will be encouraged to enter again, this time, using more expensive wax. And after all, the Club needs your $20, so that it can buy trophies for the past winners. Whom as noted above, are permitted to win again. Rule No. 2: Please make certain that everything on your car is stock. And we mean, 100% stock. Well, except for the engine - you can swap out the engine. And the brakes. Well, okay, those Recarros are okay, too. And alright, the AC Schnitzer kit is pretty cool, so that's okay. And needless to say, if you put a supercharger under the hood, you get a trophy, period (hey, you can check it -- it's in the rules!). But otherwise, your car better be stock -- and we mean stock! Indeed, if you put any of those obnoxious subwoofers in the trunk, then you lose points, bucko -- big time! In fact, you're lucky we don't DQ your butt, you obnoxious, ground-pounding, thumping butt-brain! Rule No. 3: You must not have any lint in your AC vents. Period. Of all the things that you can do wrong, having lint in your AC vents is Offense A-Numero-Uno. In this regard, you must carry with you at all times, a dirty Q-tip. That dirty Q-tip, which you must produce upon demand, is proof positive that you don't have lint in your AC vents. You don't actually need to use the Q-tip to clean the vents -- you could use it for something else, like cleaning your ears (or something). In other words, it's the thought (and the Q-tip) that counts. Rule No. 4: You must douse your tires in Armour All. In fact, anything short of using enough Armour All to float a battleship, is a Concours foul-out. Of course, it goes without saying that the Armour All must also appear, not only on the sidewalls, but on the tire treads themselves. Because everyone knows how practical it is, to Armour All the treads of your tires, when your car is parked in a muddy grass field. Hey, don't question the rules here -- it's just something that has to be done, if you want to win. Provided as noted above, that you have won before -- otherwise, you cannot win, regardless of how much Armour All you use, silly wabbit. Rule No. 5: "Rags Down!" means, rags down, sucka! Unless you are a prior Concours Judge or Chair. In which case, "Rags Down!" means, "Rags Down, except for prior Concours Judges or Chairs -- you guys can keep on shinin', because you're going to get a trophy!" (Even if your car has a huge rip in the front seat, and rust on the a-pillars - hey, nobody's perfect, but that doesn't mean you're not going to get another trophy -- after all, you're a past judge!). Rule No. 6: During the judging, it is imperative that you stand around and note, within earshot of the judges, precisely how many hours you spent "claying" your car, and that you tried "at least three different waxes" on your "other" car (a lowly mid-90s 3-series) to see "which one reacted the best, given the angle of the sun, the ambient air temperature, and the relative humidity." It might not hurt also to note exactly how early you placed your car on the field, timing matters perfectly to avoid any mid-morning dust kick-up, and any dew drops. Because as everyone knows, no self-respecting BMW owner would ever allow his or her car to be exposed to dust or dew! That might lead to something really, really bad -- like lint in the AC vents - horrors! Rule No. 7: If at all possible, you should have a little scale model of your car, which you should place on the rear deck of your car. Particularly if it is an M-car. No Concours-winning car is complete without a scale model of itself. Also, please make sure that you bring with you, all of your past trophies. Please carry them in a large, leather suit case (preferably designer label). Please spread these trophies out on a blanket in front of your car. Because as noted above, it's important that you let the judges know that you are a past winner. See Rule No. 1, above. Rule No. 8: Finally, if at all possible, make sure you have a new car (or relatively new car). For example, your 36-year old 2002 is bound to be dirty -- so why even try to clean it up? Much better to lease a new M-car, and then, don't drive it. Except to the Concours event, of course. You can drive it there. But please be aware, that if you drove the car, it will get dirty, but if you don't drive the car, then it follows that you increase the likelihood that it will be clean, and that you will win! Expressed as a formula: New car + little or no mileage = clean car, which in turn equals trophy. Provided, of course, that you've won before (again, see Rule No. 1). What if your new car gets dirty? Turn it in, and lease another one. Lease, enter, win, return, repeat. Get it? So there you have it. It's so simple! Follow these eight simple rules, and those clean-car trophies will beat a path to your door. And above all, remember -- DON'T DRIVE YOUR CAR -- IT WILL GET DIRTY!!! Don't you just hate it when that happens? Happy motoring -- Otis PS -- To all those I have offended here -- well, to quote John Belushi in Animal House (after he smashed Stephen Bishop's guitar) -- "Sorry." To each his own, and remember, I'm just kidding -- and besides, who would you rather listen to on a Monday night, me or Theisman (does that guy ever shut up)?

My Fall/Winter 2006-07 Catalog just arrived. Check out Page 55 -- The caption, "Leo E. Galcher of California with his 1976 2002 EV (electric vehicle) powered by 36 12v batteries, 9" DC motor and 4-speed transmission to produce 68hp. (The time he sacrifices during acceleration is recouped by never stopping to refuel!)" Leo, are you on the board? If so, could you post up more pics? Thanks.

Hey, Dave -- thanks for the note. When is the Lexington BBQ festival this year? Did we miss it?

That's a great story, and I guess that's exactly my point. I love Doug - a true gentleman, as is his brother - and his car is (excuse me, their cars are) great. I even helped refer Doug to some stereo guys, who did a really nice job adding tunes to the Coupe. He also brings along his Z8 to the clean-car events, and he always wins a trophy with that car. But his Coupe is a Korman conversion. And most everyone knows that -- and Doug doesn't try to hide it (he has a Korman sticker in the engine compartment). Yet, Doug regularly wipes the competition clean in the local events -- I've never seen him NOT at least place, and no one deducts any points for the engine swap. So, I guess it's okay to totally swap out the engine -- but it's not okay to add some tunes to your car. And mind you, as those who have seen the system (see other posts) know, it's not like I went out and slapped something together with Crutchfield mail-order parts -- Otis' system took over two years to design and build. But, the point total sinks like a stone -- go figure. I wonder what would happen if I added the Corvette engine to the 323 (see my other post/query), but left out the stereo. Then again, what am I thinking, and why do I care? Perhaps that's why I love Izzy the Isetta. Any patina trophy that is up for grabs, is MINE!!!

Scott -- you should auction that necktie at next year's V@V. Or at least, use it as a raffle prize.

I think there will be plenty of that at the restaurant. But, I could bring my father's 1967 Peugeot 404. He used beer cans to repair the rust in the floor board. Iron City Light, if I recall correctly.

Sure, Patti and I can help you guys with setup. You've got mail. Also, reply email us with details, davidbowen5828 at comcast dot net. Maybe it's just my admitedly warped sense of humor, but it would be really funny if someone had "Your all Douchebags" t-shirts (or bumper stickers) for sale.

Let me know how that works out. I'd like to try it, too. Egyptian-style Tomb.

Right - that'a fairly easy fix. Radio Shak or any stereo supply store can give you a capacitor, which they'll brand as some sort of "noise suppressor" (so that they can mark it up a ton). Also agree with checking your grounds; you have someting looping somewhere.

I don't know the answer, and as you know, I never keep things stock. But question -- if it isn't stock, don't the judges go crazy and deduct all sorts of points (and suffer heart attacks and gastrointestinal disorders, etc.) whenver someone has the audacity for adding something non-stock to the vehicle (despite its practicality)? My brother enters all of the coucours events with his bathtub Porsche, which he keeps in a plastic bubble when it's not being trailered to a show. To each his own, I guess. He frets over things like whether the Phillips head slots line up perfectly on all of the upholstery trim. To quote the Church Lady, "Well, isn't that special?" Again, to each his own. But maybe that's why I'm not fond of the concours events - my cars don't fit that mold. I like to drive 'em until they break, and then fix them again. In 2005, however, more curious than anything else, I entered a clean-car event (mostly just to have an excuse to clean the car). The 24-year old judge (half my age!!!!) deducted all sorts of points for the "trunk" (how dare I put amps and subs in there?), the door panels (I lost points for not having a "map pocket," which I long ago replaced with custom stereo speaker pods), and for putting the spare tire in a cover, instead of keeping it in the spare tire well. The judge for the E-30 actually grimaced as he looked in the trunk -- I thought he was going to throw up. Anyway, sorry for the rant, Bill. I don't know the answer to your question, so I'll shut up now.

Opinions, please. Everyone's already seen Otis (and besides, his dash is still out -- Just Dashes, if you're reading this, please hurry). The E-30, ditto - plus, there is some odd short in the stereo wiring, so I have the trunk all pulled apart. That leaves Izzy. Izzy doesn't run, and I haven't done anything cosmetically yet (sorry, Rimspoke) -- we've just been working on the engine, which is out of the car, on the workbench. But, should I load up Izzy for Herndon? Brad, what do you think - would people get a kick out of seeing an Isetta, even if it doesn't yet run?

Sorry to have missed you guys this weekend. Of eight vehicles, we have only one that was running yesterday, and I doubt that a 2005 Ford Focus station wagon would have been granted a space on the show field. I spent yesterday underneath Hector the Monster Truck, replacing the springs. Pulling the U-Bolts off a 28-year old farm truck proved to be harder than I thought, and my knuckles have been reduced to bloody pulps. But Uncle Rick and I managed to muscle in a new set of mains and helpers, so Hector's capacity now is about 2 tons. Plenty enough to carry Izzy on the flatbed. I never thought I'd live to see the day that Scott attends a "pretty car" event. But I note the ominpresent Jagermeister crate up top on the roof rack -- the ultimate thumb-your-nose at the Scotch (or is it Brandy?) bottle in the back of the Scareb. Atta boy, Scott. I love the Datsun. My friend Joe Tombari and I used to go crusin' in high school in a white version of that car. Were we cool, or what? BTW, nice pictures, Mike. I hereby relinquish my Roundel photog duties to you. But you realize, of course, that if you take pictures for Roundel, you must submit at least on picture of your arse for publication. :-)