Written by Otis
Tuesday, 19 September 2006
How to Win a BMWCCA Concours Event -- Eight Easy Steps for the Sure-Fire Winning Combination
Rule No. 1: Silly wabbit, you can't win a BMWCCA Concours Event. Not unless you have won before. If you have won before, then you may win again. But if you have not won, you may not win. Sorry, it's in the rules. The lone exception? If you have never won before, and this is your first event, then you may place third. But no higher. You see, this way, you will be encouraged to enter again, this time, using more expensive wax. And after all, the Club needs your $20, so that it can buy trophies for the past winners. Whom as noted above, are permitted to win again.
Rule No. 2: Please make certain that everything on your car is stock. And we mean, 100% stock. Well, except for the engine - you can swap out the engine. And the brakes. Well, okay, those Recarros are okay, too. And alright, the AC Schnitzer kit is pretty cool, so that's okay. And needless to say, if you put a supercharger under the hood, you get a trophy, period (hey, you can check it -- it's in the rules!). But otherwise, your car better be stock -- and we mean stock! Indeed, if you put any of those obnoxious subwoofers in the trunk, then you lose points, bucko -- big time! In fact, you're lucky we don't DQ your butt, you obnoxious, ground-pounding, thumping butt-brain!
Rule No. 3: You must not have any lint in your AC vents. Period. Of all the things that you can do wrong, having lint in your AC vents is Offense A-Numero-Uno. In this regard, you must carry with you at all times, a dirty Q-tip. That dirty Q-tip, which you must produce upon demand, is proof positive that you don't have lint in your AC vents. You don't actually need to use the Q-tip to clean the vents -- you could use it for something else, like cleaning your ears (or something). In other words, it's the thought (and the Q-tip) that counts.
Rule No. 4: You must douse your tires in Armour All. In fact, anything short of using enough Armour All to float a battleship, is a Concours foul-out. Of course, it goes without saying that the Armour All must also appear, not only on the sidewalls, but on the tire treads themselves. Because everyone knows how practical it is, to Armour All the treads of your tires, when your car is parked in a muddy grass field. Hey, don't question the rules here -- it's just something that has to be done, if you want to win. Provided as noted above, that you have won before -- otherwise, you cannot win, regardless of how much Armour All you use, silly wabbit.
Rule No. 5: "Rags Down!" means, rags down, sucka! Unless you are a prior Concours Judge or Chair. In which case, "Rags Down!" means, "Rags Down, except for prior Concours Judges or Chairs -- you guys can keep on shinin', because you're going to get a trophy!" (Even if your car has a huge rip in the front seat, and rust on the a-pillars - hey, nobody's perfect, but that doesn't mean you're not going to get another trophy -- after all, you're a past judge!).
Rule No. 6: During the judging, it is imperative that you stand around and note, within earshot of the judges, precisely how many hours you spent "claying" your car, and that you tried "at least three different waxes" on your "other" car (a lowly mid-90s 3-series) to see "which one reacted the best, given the angle of the sun, the ambient air temperature, and the relative humidity." It might not hurt also to note exactly how early you placed your car on the field, timing matters perfectly to avoid any mid-morning dust kick-up, and any dew drops. Because as everyone knows, no self-respecting BMW owner would ever allow his or her car to be exposed to dust or dew! That might lead to something really, really bad -- like lint in the AC vents - horrors!
Rule No. 7: If at all possible, you should have a little scale model of your car, which you should place on the rear deck of your car. Particularly if it is an M-car. No Concours-winning car is complete without a scale model of itself. Also, please make sure that you bring with you, all of your past trophies. Please carry them in a large, leather suit case (preferably designer label). Please spread these trophies out on a blanket in front of your car. Because as noted above, it's important that you let the judges know that you are a past winner. See Rule No. 1, above.
Rule No. 8: Finally, if at all possible, make sure you have a new car (or relatively new car). For example, your 36-year old 2002 is bound to be dirty -- so why even try to clean it up? Much better to lease a new M-car, and then, don't drive it. Except to the Concours event, of course. You can drive it there. But please be aware, that if you drove the car, it will get dirty, but if you don't drive the car, then it follows that you increase the likelihood that it will be clean, and that you will win! Expressed as a formula: New car + little or no mileage = clean car, which in turn equals trophy. Provided, of course, that you've won before (again, see Rule No. 1). What if your new car gets dirty? Turn it in, and lease another one. Lease, enter, win, return, repeat. Get it?
So there you have it. It's so simple! Follow these eight simple rules, and those clean-car trophies will beat a path to your door. And above all, remember -- DON'T DRIVE YOUR CAR -- IT WILL GET DIRTY!!! Don't you just hate it when that happens?
Happy motoring -- Otis
PS -- To all those I have offended here -- well, to quote John Belushi in Animal House (after he smashed Stephen Bishop's guitar) -- "Sorry." To each his own, and remember, I'm just kidding -- and besides, who would you rather listen to on a Monday night, me or Theisman (does that guy ever shut up)?