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new Homeland Security warning suggestions


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maybe we could learn from our friends


The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist

threats, and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to

"Peeved". Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to

"Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". The English have not been "A Bit

Cross" since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies nearly ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody

Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning

level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get

the Bastards". They don't have any other levels. This is the reason

they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last

300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror

alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France

are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". The rise was precipitated by a

recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively

paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to

"Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective

Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance"

to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs". They also have two

higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only

threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.

These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish

navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile, and as usual, are carrying out pre-emptive strikes

on all of their allies "just in case".

Canada doesn't have any alert levels.

New Zealand has raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA".

Due to continuing defense cutbacks, New Zealand has only one more level

of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to

"She'll be alright, mate". Three more escalation levels remain:

"Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and

"The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use

of the final escalation level.

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Some useful tips here.

Who's That Knocking At Your Door?

People ask me, knowing that I have been married twice and once had a steamy liason with an Afghani cleaning lady from Marrakesh - "Arnold - what can I do about a terrorist attack?"

Fortunately a few simple precautions should suffice.....

1) Upon greeting the day, examine the car for any loose red wires, particularly if leading to a large black thing which you thought was the engine.

2) Before leaving, have your driveway swept for mines and carefully watch with binoculars any work crew purportedly repairing potholes or digging cable tv trenches. If they stop every five minutes for a smoke, they are legitimate workers and you have a clear run to the next corner. Repeat your survey until you reach your destination.

3) Avoid buses, trains, planes, ships, white vans, chemical plants, oil refineries, power stations, large

buildings, shopping malls, mosques, stadiums, embassies, donkeys, robed belly dancers, twirling

dervishes, post offices, petrol stations, and anyone with large gold rings attached to their ears or nose.

4) Have someone else collect your mail and open it. If they immediately start sneezing, run to the nearest

car wash and spray yourself down. (Keep loose change in your pocket at all times so you have enough

money for the soap 'n suds feature.)

5) Do not go on any fun fair ride which includes a black tunnel or swinging chairs.

6) Refrain this year from personally consulting any swarthy looking individual with a crystal ball and /or moustache, male or female. This includes your boss.

7) If the phone rings, retreat under your desk and listen to the answering machine. If it's a government official or the IRS, do not call them back. If smoke comes from the answering machine, quickly move away towards your supervisor with the desk still on your back.

8) Returning home, check the lawn mower for any loose red wires........ Have the dog - or cat - first taste your pork chops and pretest the wine for sulphuric acid.

9) Switch the television on by the remote as you stay safely hidden in the bathroom. It might be best not to flush the toilet for a few weeks until the terror alert - and the toilet come to that - changes to green.

10) Before going to bed,

a) Throw a shoe down the hall and see if someone shoots it.

B) Announce in a loud voice "I'm going now to visit my Aunt Mary in Tuscaloosa. I shall be back

Tuesday." (Foolishly the average terrorist will immediately head for Tuscaloosa.)

c) Check under the bed for any loose red wires.....

d) Switch off all lights and lie perfectly still even if you see shadows flit across the duct taped

moonlit window. Now is the time for prayer.

There you have it! Oh, and I forgot to mention – have a nice day........

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